


Paint Me A Picture

by EsculentEvil



Series: EsculentEvil's BatJokes Shots [29]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Arkham Asylum, Body Paint, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, M/M, Manipulation, Metaphors, New 52, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 20:32:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17029536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EsculentEvil/pseuds/EsculentEvil
Summary: Batman visits Joker in Arkham for information on Harley Quinn's and Catwoman's latest activity; the information, of course, isn't cheap: it's neon.Originally posted to my Tumblr @esculentevil





	Paint Me A Picture

**Author's Note:**

> ... I’m literally just filling [my own BatJokes headcanon (Joker’s art therapy)](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/178239997096/batjokes-headcanon-10-doubles-as-brujokes); don’t mind me~

“I need information.”  


Joker snorts (No greeting, no salutation, no **hi** ; not even a nod! **Really** , Batsy.). “What you need, Darling~, is a crash course in manners and etiquette.”

Batman raises a brow, “Technically, because [etiquette](https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/etiquette) is a code based on the social group it belongs to, one could argue that mine are suitable for Arkham.”

Joker stares incredulously. Then he shakes his head, “Hello, Dictionaryman.”

Realizing they’re going far off topic, Batman straightens and repeats himself, “Joker, I need information from you: where did Harley leave the hostages?”

Joker just snorts again.

“ **Joker**.”  


“Darling~” the Clown Prince of Crime coos. He’s grinning from ear-to-ear and wiggling his fingers obnoxiously. His eyes are half-lidded and make him look coy.  


Batman feels dread in his stomach: “What do you want.”

Joker’s eyelids fly open and bare his excited pools of acid ( _Not that I need to see them; his grin is more than enough to showcase what he’s feeling..._ ). Batman can see ill plots and devious requests and even gross dares swimming in them.

But he’s spared:  _Attention Inmate 0801; Please Proceed to Art Therapy_. 

Joker sighs and rolls his eyes as the sound of a trolley rolls by. It stops just after their cell-door and Batman can hear—via his cowl’s equipment—the two guards outside telling the orderly that just arrived: _The Batman’s in there, ma’am_.

Aforementioned hero glances down at the straitjacketed clown, “Art therapy?”

The villain frowns—although it looks more like a pout—and nods, “ **Painting**.”

* * *

To the surprise of everyone outside—and the Joker—Batman lets the orderly in.

He looks over the paints set up ( _All nontoxic, hypoallergenic, and even made of all natural/organic ingredients—probably for Ivy_.) as the guards remove Joker’s straitjacket and slap some cuffs on him instead. The criminal crumbles as the orderly nervously stands by the trolley and runs down his therapy [again].

“You are to think about the reason you are here before painting; paint whatever comes to mind as a result of your thoughts; keep thinking about it as you paint.”  


“What is that supposed to accomplish, exactly?” Batman asks. He’s examining the provided paintbrushes ( _No animal hair—probably for Selina—but not synthetic either; like the paints; it’s probably plant-based fibers, again—for Ivy_.) with one eye and studying the anxious orderly two feet from him with the other.  


“Painting one’s feelings are noted to be therapeutic,” the orderly—her name tag reads Locket—says slowly, as though reading from memory, “And can, thus, be used to expel negative emotions or intentions. It also mimics the process of acting on one’s desires and can, therefore, be used to prevent those actions.”  


Batman frowns and wonders what textbook she memorized that from. Deciding to look into her education later, as Bruce Wayne, the vigilante glances between his villain and the paints once before asking, “Are these easily washed off?”

Locket nods, “Of course; many inmates like painting **off canvas**.”

Fighting an amused smirk, Batman turns to the Joker and approaches him calmly. He kneels before the clown determinedly and surprises everyone when he asks, “Will you tell me everything I want to know if I let you paint on my suit?”

When Locket doesn’t object, Joker nods eagerly.

* * *

“How did you and Harley get involved with Catwoman?”  


Batman watches somewhat warily ( _These paints are basically **neon** ; I’m going to stick out like a searchlight for the rest of the night! Better make this quick..._) as the Joker giddily strokes lines of paint onto everything but his cape [which isn’t actually part of his suit—or so Bruce had argued]. He’s using yellow right now (”Same as in your old color scheme, Batsy, my boy! Ah, the good ol’ days!”), much to Batman’s dismay, and painting—to the hero’s horror— **flowers** with it.

He twitches anxiously in the silence.

“She came to Harley with the heist details.” The Joker’s voice is surprisingly distracted, as though he is actually concentrating deeply on his flower painting.  


“So they were planning the theft together?”  


Joker hums as he adds a dollop of fluorescent pink to the center of his flower. He smiles at it, seeming very pleased, before contemplating the **other** knee. There’s a high-pitched giggle before Joker’s blotting a butterfly in vibrant purple, “Of course not, Darling. Catwoman just offered to get a gift for the girl.”

Batman recoils slightly in confusion, “She wanted to share her spoils?”

Joker glances up from adding a blue butterfly body to the Bat’s right kneecap. As he gazes up, his pupil contracts—reacting to the higher levels of light—before expanding again; Bruce tries to ignore what, exactly, they’re expanding **[with](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/171527569605/joker-eruri-this-is-not-a-fan-edit-these-truly)**. “No, she wants to one up me.” The villain smiles and returns to his therapy, “Harley isn’t cheap; she likes a lot of expensive things and Catwoman—very wrongly—believes half the reason Har stays with me is because I provide her with all these expensive things. Her plan, dear detective, is to usurp me.”

“... By providing Harley with expensive things...” which means he’ll have to up the security measures of any place housing items Harley Quinn fancies; great.  


Another hum as Joker begins painting card suits into the butterfly’s wings. Batman fights the urge to groan as they’re all going in killer clown red.

“Why did you allow it?”  


“Hn~ Good question...” Joker trails off as he lets his eyes drift up. This time, he’s looking thoughtfully at Batman’s torso. “I suppose I did it as a lesson.”  


“A _lesson_?”  


“Of course~” Joker begins painting indigo mountains—that are somehow still neon despite how dark indigo is meant to be—under Batman’s covered naval. “She’ll never learn if I just **tell**  her she’s being foolhardy; so she’ll tell herself!”  


Batman watches, awkwardly and in awe, as Joker paints a mountainous landscape across his abdomen; he tries to focus as a lighthouse—painted in toothy white so it stands stark against blues and purples—is built upon his chest, “So then why were you there? Were you assisting them? Or just watching?”

Coy eyes glance up before a wicked smile follows, “I love when you talk dirty.” The smile is quickly accompanied by shrill laughter as Batman, embarrassed, flushes heavily under his cowl. Joker coos at him, amused as ammo, before going back to painting his landscape, “I was just the getaway driver, though.”

“So you weren’t getting anything out of it?”  


A crescent moon in the shape of a smile blooms on Batman’s right pectoral, opposite the lighthouse. Joker’s face soon mirrors it, “Just Catwoman’s lesson.” The clown then laughs, “And this, apparently.” He looks back up with a smile.

Batman’s chest clenches at how soft it is.

“Which I’m enjoying; immensely~”  


* * *

“And the hostages?”  


Joker hums as he picks up Batman’s hand and inspects it. He frowns slightly before painting a red bird in it ( _It’s not a robin; don’t think about it as a Robin_.). “Last I saw of them was in the backroom of the joint the Cat chose to rob.”

“The backroom...” the vigilante frowns, “was searched already, Joker.”  


The clown silently picks up Batman’s left hand and paints a bright yellow bee. Then, he smiles at the hero mischievously, ( _The birds and the bees; honestly_.), “ _Last I saw of them_ , Batsy. I never said they would still be there. HeHeHe!”

The vigilante growls and clenches his fist, “Joker—!”

“Batsy!” The innocent horror in the criminal’s voice takes everyone by surprise. Batman cuts himself off to look in confusion at the honestly upset man. “Don’t...”  


“... What?”  


Joker seems to deflate, “... ruin the message.”

* * *

“What message?” Locket finally breaks the silence.  


“They’re in the sky,” one of the guards— _Richardson_ , says the name tag—points.  


And that’s when it clicks: the butterfly, the **bird** , the bee, the **lighthouse**.

“[Cape Carmine](http://dcuniverseonline.wikia.com/wiki/Cape_Carmine)!” and then the Bat is gone.

**Author's Note:**

> This was probably lost because I suck but the flower and butterfly were meant to say “Look up” while the bee was meant as a misdirect [which is why Joker seemed to struggle with the hands]; the real clues were the bird—which represented the _Falcon_ e family—and [Carmine's lighthouse](http://dcuniverseonline.wikia.com/wiki/Cape_Carmine_Lighthouse). The mountains were just representing Batman or how Joker sees him with the moon as Joker.


End file.
